Flight of the Oceanics
by Da Phoenix 13
Summary: In which the Losties sing Flight of the Conchords songs, y'all! Ch. 1: "Most Beautiful Girl in the Room ".


Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or Flight of the Conchords.

PS- anyone not familiar with this song can see the clip from the show at http:// www. youtube. com /watch?v=lmDTSQtK20c. (without the spaces)

* * *

(set during Pilot, Part 1)

Jack, Kate, and Charlie were going on their first ever Craphole Island adventure to find the transceiver, in the first of many ill-conceived attempts to get rescued. Jack was marching ahead of the other two, pretending he had some idea of where he was going; Charlie, meanwhile, was acting as the Craphole Island version of local radio. Which was, amazingly, much better than most other radio stations.

"_You all, everybody,"_ he was singing to Kate in a rather comedic falsetto. _"You all, everybody! You all, everybody!"_ He did the devil horns and stuck out his tongue, which was rather uncharacteristic for Driveshaft, but Charlie was trying to show off to her just how hardcore he could be.

Kate looked perplexed by his awesome rockstar behavior. "What are you doing?"

"That's us- kind of!" Charlie explained to her. "Driveshaft! Look…" He showed her the ring he always wore on his middle finger; she flinched, almost sure he was flipping her off. "Second tour of Finland. You've never heard of Driveshaft?"

Kate looked amazed. "Driveshaft? The band?!? That's like, so awesome! OMG!!11!!1! I totally love Driveshaft!!!!!!" She began to drool.

"Um…" Charlie looked disconcerted by the glazed-over fangirl look creeping into Kate's eyes. But before he could say anything more to her, Jack came back to scream at them for not following him blindly.

"What are you guys doing?" he asked, pissed. "We're not making very good time on our first adventure…"

"But Jack!" Kate squealed. "I just met the bassist in Driveshaft!"

"_You all, everybody?"_ Charlie sang tentatively, hoping Jack would recognize his musical genius but worried about Jack's potential rabid fangirl reaction.

Jack, however, was unimpressed. "You call that a song?" he scoffed. "I've written much better ones." He grinned seductively at Kate, sure that she was into musicians, judging from her reaction to this hobbity English midget.

"You're a musician too?"Charlie asked, surprised. Sure, being in a band would explain the tattoos Jack had on his arm, but so would a wild night of college debauchery or membership in the cast of a crappy 90's primetime soap opera. Or maybe even a drunken rendezvous with a mystic Thai prostitute… Charlie laughed at himself. _Sometimes I say crazy things, even when I'm NOT high._

"Technically, I'm a surgeon," Jack declared proudly, puffing out his chest and jutting out his chin, imagining that a flowing cape was draped heroically about his shoulders. "But everyone knows that surgeons can do anything. We can write music, or create an army, or lead a hodgepodge group of plane crash survivors, or…" He paused, trying to think of another thing surgeons could do. "We're better than Superman and Kim Possible combined!" he finished, unable to find another example.

Charlie was skeptical of this claim; Kate, meanwhile, was trying to rip out Charlie's hair to start a new Driveshaft shrine to replace the one that was locked in the marshal's case. "Oh yeah? Let's hear something you've written, then."

Jack blinked, obviously stuck. He hadn't expected to actually be able to deliver any of the crap he had been bragging about… especially the bit about the leading the castaways. He decided to improvise. _That kind of crap works all the time for me!_ he thought, psyching himself up for the task.

"Well, Kate," he said, blushing a little bit, "I've actually written a little song for _you_ since the crash yesterday."

"Have you?" Kate was so surprised she forgot to molest Charlie. Jack was trying to give a conclusion to a love triangle that didn't exist yet, since she had yet to meet Sawyer?

"Yup!" Jack turned to Charlie, ready to make up his song. "Charlie, play me some chords."

"Um… with what?" Charlie held up his empty hands. "I'm not going to find my guitar for like, another week, you know."

"That doesn't matter, just hum me some chords in the key of J!"

"Key of 'J'?" Charlie was just about ready for a monster to come and eat this guy already.

"J for JACK! Just do it, you hobbit!" Charlie sighed and began to hum some sweet, lyrical chords – though not in the nonexistent key of J as Jack had requested. Luckily, being a musical moron, Jack didn't notice that Charlie wasn't following his instructions.

"_Yeah-heah!" _Jack crooned softly, as the ex-convict and fugitive smiled bashfully at him.

"_Looking round this field,  
__I can tell that you  
__Are the most beautiful girl in the…  
__Field!" _

Kate's smile instantly faded, replaced by a look that was getting uglier by the second. Seeing this, Charlie smirked and added, "_In the whole wide field!"_ in falsetto. Jack looked pleased with himself for his creativity, completely unaware that Kate was looking angrier with every word Jack sang.

"_And looking at the island,  
__Not counting Hydra Island,  
__I bet you are definitely in the top three!"_

"'Top three'?!" Kate repeated furiously. "There're only like 3 girls on this island to begin with!!!" She paused. "And what's 'Hydra Island', anyway?" she asked suspiciously.

"Well, come on!" Jack insisted, ignoring her question. "There are so many hot chicks on this island… like you know that pregnant chick?"

"Oi! Hands off!" Charlie growled viciously, making the same kind of face he would later make as he shot Tom Cruise's creepy pregnant-chick-kidnapping cousin.

Jack looked taken aback and a little frightened at Charlie's reaction. "Not that _I _want her, or anything," he said hastily. "I'm just saying… girl's got good genes." Jack did find it odd that he could find this pregnant chick attractive without wanting to bang her… he did, after all, have quite a blond fetish, which was half the reason he had married Sarah. But then he distracted himself with thoughts of how hot Shannon was, and he began to imagine a hot blond fertility specialist that he could find on another island, and he forgot to make a big deal out of his non-attraction to Claire.

"Never mind," Kate said quickly, forcing the two men apart before Charlie decided to strangle Jack. "Let's just get back to our trip to the transceiver, shall we?"

As they started walking again, Jack kept thinking about more things he could add to his song, since he couldn't just let go of a great idea like that. More nonsensical lyrics kept coming to him as they walked through the darkening jungle as it began to rain heavily, and the song started to come together just as the trees became thicker and thicker and they got closer to the cockpit. He kept silent through this journey, though in his head the words kept coming.

And suddenly, there it was, leaning against a tree at a 30-degree angle. "Let's do this," Charlie said determinedly, leading the way toward the cockpit.

"You mean continue my song?! Thanks, Charlie, not that I need your permission, since I am a DOCTOR and all." And before Charlie or Kate could stop him, Jack launched into another part of his song. The two of them sighed and pushed the doctor into the spooky dead-people-filled cockpit.

"_Good-looking girls on the beach! Yeah.  
__Mmm… depending on the beach, ooh.  
__And when I saw you in the jungle,  
__I thought, 'What… was… she… doing…?'"_

Jack made techno drum noises with his mouth and moved his head jerkily from side to side to punctuate the lyric.

"…_On this airplane?"_

"Um… none of your business," Kate said evasively. She and Jack had been climbing up the row of seats, eventually making it into the cockpit. Charlie, however, seemed to have disappeared for the moment, not that Jack had noticed, as he was still busy improvising his song.

"_How did…"_ Jack leaned forward to read the nameplate of the unconscious pilot. "_…Seth get a hottie like that on an airplane like his?  
__Good one, Seth!"_

Charlie poked his head out of the bathroom lavatory to interject, _"Ooh, you're a legend, Seth!"_

At the sound of his name, the pilot abruptly woke up, sputtering for air. "What- what happened?"

"Um, the plane crashed," Jack said, irritated that the pilot had the gall to interrupt his song. "Duh."

"We've built a signal fire though," Kate added helpfully, "and I'm sure they'll be coming soon to rescue us…"

Jack looked hurt. "The signal fire?" he repeated sadly. "_That_ was the most memorable part of yesterday, Kate? What about that beautiful moment we spent together when you sewed my skin back together?" And before any of them could stop him, he broke into song again.

"_I was hurt with a big ol' scratch right through my suit,  
__I needed stitches,  
__I said, 'Kate, would you mind?' You said, 'Ew!'  
__You said you didn't mind,  
__But I could tell you kind of did,  
__But you went and helped me anywayyyyy…"_

"Jack…" Kate was turning green. "I've been trying to block that experience from my memory…"

"_I gave you booze to help with that great first aid," _Jack continued, oblivious to her discomfort,  
_You sewed my skin back together in the shade!  
__Now I'm so beautiful," ("Beautiful," _Charlieechoed, now high off his secret stash of heroin he had found in the toilet_.)  
_"_I could be an actor!  
__I'm so beautiful," ("Beautiful,"_ Charlie whispered, taking another hit from his stash.)  
_We could make a great couple on a TV series!  
_'_Cause you're so beautiful," ("Beautiful,"_ Charlie repeated once again, putting his stash back in his awesome checkerboard Vans.)  
"_You could be a Can-uck model."_

But before Jack could come up with some more insipid lyrics to this abomination of a love song, there was a loud metallic growl right outside the cockpit. Charlie and the pilot jumped and Kate nearly screamed; Jack merely looked annoyed at this latest interruption to his musical declaration of love.

"Something's outside!" Kate whispered, petrified.

"It's the Iron Giant!" Charlie said, his eyes wide and rather bloodshot after having his fix.

"Here, since you guys barely know who I am, I'll risk my life by poking my head out and taking a look around," the pilot volunteered.

"Good idea," Kate agreed, relieved. The pilot smiled at her as he leaned out the window. Jack scowled; how dare this pudgy barely-named pilot make time with his girl?

"_And now I seal the deal," _he announced loudly to the members of the cockpit, yanking Kate's arm so she looked away from the pilot and back at him.  
"_I do my moves, I do my dance moves!"_ And Jack began to dance rather spastically to music only he could hear. Kate rolled her eyes and went back to peering out the rain-drenched windows for some sign of whatever it was making the trees bend.

"Oh my god!" the pilot yelled, his head still outside the window. "You guys will never believe what this thing is! Never in a million, billion years! It's a… AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!" Just then, the pilot was ripped from the cockpit, and a large amount of red paint splattered on the window just above Kate, who screamed loudly.

"Kate!" Jack grinned at her. "I had no idea that my dancing would send you into such a fangirl hysteria!" He took this as a sign that he and Kate were meant to be together forever as he wrapped his arms around her and continued his song.

"_Now it's day two,  
__Just me and you,  
__And forty-something other dudes all trying to survive here.  
__I draw you near…"  
__  
_"_Let's get out of here!!!!!!!!"_ Kate screamed, still freaked out by the pilot's death.  
"_Just run for your life!!!!!"_

And with that, she and Charlie took off running through the jungle, with Jack chasing after Kate, still trying his best to win her over.

"_Oh Kate, please be my wife!!"_ he called up to her.

"NO!" she hollered back, still running like a crazy person to try and get away from the monster none of them had seen. Jack frowned. The dancing hadn't worked, and neither had his romantic marriage proposal… it was time to try more flattery.

"_Now I can't believe  
__That I am running from a monster  
__With the most beautiful girl  
__That I have ever seen running from a monster!" _Jack called ahead to a screaming Kate. She seemed to be too busy screaming to hear him properly. _Women,_ Jack thought dully. He stopped running momentarily to sit on a log and contemplate the next verse of his song; it would be his very last chance to win Kate over, if he had any chance whatsoever of having a romance with her in this series.

Kate, meanwhile, took shelter in a very metaphorical tree o' foreshadowing that looked exactly like prison bars. She looked around frantically to see that Charlie and singing-guy had disappeared. "WHAT'S-YOUR-FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, already forgetting the name of the handsome, idiotic surgeon who had been making up a song about her all day long. _Was his name Bret?_ she wondered. _Jemaine, maybe?_ "Hey… doctor," she yelled, giving up her quest to remember his name, "if you're all right, you'll come meet me by this metaphorical tree by the time I finish counting to five. Okay?" No answer. She decided to count anyway; it was a good way for her to remember her numbers. "One," she began, "two… three… four… _five!_ Ready or not, here I come- or… here _you_ come!"

And sure enough, there was a rustling noise coming from her left, but it wasn't Jack; it was Charlie. She jumped on top of him, knocking him backwards. "Where's that other guy?" she yelled at him for no good reason.

"Duh," Charlie replied. "He got eaten by the monster." He pointed up at the branches of another tree, where a bloody, mangled body lay.

"Well," Kate said, looking up and trying not to scream again, "at least we won't have to hear the end of that song…"

"Kaaaaa-aaaaaaate!!!" A sing-songy voice came through the trees toward them; Kate restrained herself from rolling her eyes as she turned around to see Jack, who was, unfortunately, in one piece.

"Ohhhh, you were talking about Jack?" Charlie asked. "I was talking about the pilot. That's him." He pointed rather unnecessarily at the gory mess in the tree once more. "Guys… How does something like that happen?"

"Never mind that, my hobbity friend! I finished my song, Kate!" Jack announced. He cleared his throat and continued, as Kate tried her best not to plug her ears.

"_Ooh, and once we leave here,  
__We can get our own house,  
__I can drink booze and pass out on the couch!  
__Or… no…"_ Jack changed tactics seeing the look on Kate's face.  
_"I don't mind taking it slow-ow-ow, no-oh-oh, yeah.__But you're so beautiful, like a..." _Jack looked wildly around for something to compare Kate's beauty to.  
"…_Tree,"_ he finished rather lamely, being mesmerized by the prison Tree o' Foreshadowing. Kate looked confused.  
"_Or a weird Thai prostitute," _he tried again as Charlie sang, _"You're so beautiful!"_ as backup to Jack's abomination of a simile.  
_"You could be a part-time model,"_ he told her, falling back on a line that had never failed to turn Sarah on back when they were together. They smiled at each other as Charlie hummed strange chords once again.  
"_But you probably still would have to keep your normal job,"_ Jack added as an afterthought. Kate's face fell again, though Jack was glad she didn't look as angry as she had earlier.  
"_Part-time model!"_ Charlie repeated, as Kate looked like she was starting to accept this strange compliment from this strange man.  
"_Spend part of your time… modelin'," _Jack sang happily and breathily,  
_And part of your tiiiiiiiiiiiiime…  
__Next to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, yeah!" _Jack concluded in a falsetto.

Kate looked like she was about to agree to this as she smiled at him, but then she opened her mouth and sang,

"_And the rest of my time doing that Southern con man."_

Charlie imitated a record scratch as Jack did a double-take. "What Southern con man?!?!?" he yelped.

"Oh, I'm meeting him this afternoon!" Kate announced cheerfully as she and Charlie headed back toward camp. Jack was standing alone in the jungle, flabbergasted.

"You- you're not even going to kiss me after I wrote that song for you?!?" he whined.

"No!" Kate called over her shoulder as she left. "Your face is dirty… and you need to shave somethin' fierce!"

"_My face is usually tidier than this!"_ Jack sang to her in his sexy falsetto, but she was almost gone. Sighing heavily, he started to run after her, resolving to try other means of seducing this brunette. Maybe next time he'd try ill-advised feats of heroism…


End file.
